This weekend my ex-husband is getting married.

Damn him.

I tell myself “That’s mine!”. Not my ex-husband, but the life he has.

Commitment. Family. Marriage.

Those things I am really good at. Those things that I had for so long. Those things that I desire so fiercely and fully that in writing this sentence my heart aches.

Photo by Lindentree Photography

Photo by Lindentree Photography

It’s happened over and over these past 3 years since my divorce. I am lying in my big, empty bed lonely and exhausted from the day thinking, planning, dreaming. And then it happens. I feel that thick multi-colored blanket of fear, doubt, and uncertainty descending. Getting heavier and heavier upon my chest until I can barely breathe.

“You will never be good enough, no one will love and commit to you.”

“You had a great life and you ruined it.”

“You expect too much from people. No one will ever satisfy you, don’t even try”

“What makes you think you can be successful at owning a business?”

“Why do you think you have the authority to teach anything valuable to your yoga students?”

“You want too much in life, you should just be happy with what you have.”

In my 36 years I have told myself many bedtime stories about what I am and what I am worthy of. And though I am a “yoga teacher” and “I should know better” I still struggle with turning the page of these stories. The truth is I am afraid I’ll grow old and die alone. I am afraid that I don’t have all my shit together with owning and managing FORM {yoga}. I am afraid of being some fake-ass yoga teacher that only spews love and light. And the truth is I AM happy with what I have…I just want more.

“Your darkness is shining. My darkness is shining. Have faith in myself. Truth.” Alexander

I am learning the beauty of these struggles allow me to connect to my truth. These stories teach me that my darkness, my struggles make me beautiful. I am learning that unraveling all these thoughts and examining them will allow me to see them fully for what they are: beautiful bedtime stories.

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